It's a tale as old as time that I see play out in my therapy office all too often. A young, pre-teen girls walks in and starts talking about hating how she looks. She's too fat, she's not pretty enough, her hair is not the right color, length or texture; she fears judgment and rejection of peers for being different or perceived as "fat" or "ugly." She feels like she's under a microscope, with peers judging and criticizing every element of her being. It consumes her mind and causes her to question every decision she makes throughout the day - what she eats, what she wears, how she sits, how she moves her body.
This is a scene that could be taking place in any decade of modern history, and almost every female adult can remember going through a similar phase, and may even still going through it. I know I can certainly relate. During my adolescence, I experienced every bit of the scene described above, and as an adult, am still working to unlearn much of these beliefs and insecurities.
As a society we have made great strides to try to break this cycle, with movements such as "body positivity," "body neutrality," "fit at every size," and "fat acceptance," to name a few, and social media influencers promoting these movements increasing by the day. So why, amidst these shifts in perspective, is this still such a pervasive issue, and what do we do about it?
Unfortunately, despite the growing body positivity movements, there are still very strong societal and cultural influences that continue to promote unhealthy and unrealistic physical ideals. The ideal body type as thin and fit has been perpetuated for so long, it will take more than a few social media hashtags to unravel it and shift the narrative for the majority. So how do we help our preteens drown out all of that noise and societal influence and help them develop positive and healthy body images?
Model body positivity/neutrality: Our children are always watching us. They see how we exist in the world and this informs how they inevitably exist in the world. They absorb our beliefs and perspectives and these inform how they grow to view the world themselves. A lot of messages are sent to our children when we scrutinize or comment on our own, or others' bodies. They learn that bodies are something to be examined, judged, criticized. They learn that we should pay attention to and spend mental energy on how bodies look. They learn what is and isn't an "acceptable" body. They learn to look in the mirror and examine themselves the same way we have. They learn to think about and talk about our bodies in the way we have. As such, one of the number one things we can do as parents to protect our children is to be a model of body positivity/neutrality. I recommend not talking about your body at all. Send the message that bodies are just bodies; they are not a reflection of anything. At all. They don't need to be examined or discussed, period (this may be a new concept to many adults!). If and when you do talk about bodies, either your own or others', do so in a way that is positive, or neutral. Focus on a person's health and fitness or their body's capabilities, not it's size or shape. Talk about the fact that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, the same way our eyes and hair come in a variety of colors and textures, and no shape or size is better than the other. When your children see you looking at yourself in the mirror, find something positive to say about yourself. Smile at your reflection. Even if, internally, you are feeling bad about the way you look, try not to reflect that externally. If you put on jeans that are too tight, don't say "ugh Mommy needs to stop eating so much cake, my gross tummy won't fit into my jeans anymore," and instead say something like "hmm these pants aren't feeling very comfortable today, I am going to wear something else that I can move easier in." If your child sees you weighing yourself, and you don't like the number you see, keep your reaction to yourself. If they ask you why you weigh yourself, don't say "because Mommy's fat and needs to lose weight," just say "your weight can be one, of many, indicators of your health, and I am just checking in on that." When your child tries on clothes or gets dressed, instead of reflecting how she looks, as her how she feels. Does she feel comfortable? Can she run jump and play? Does it reflect her personality, does she feel like "herself?" As parents, we have immense power in how our children come to view their bodies, and can do a lot to protect them from developing a negative body image.
Watch how you talk about others' bodies: As mentioned above, the way we notice and talk about other people's bodies can have a huge impact on our children's developing body images. Just the fact that people notice and judge other people's bodies, period, can be enough to support burgeoning body image issues. When your children see you noticing and commenting on other people's bodies, even if you never comment on their body, it shows them that people notice and comment on other bodies, and they are smart enough to extrapolate that that means other people are likely noticing and commenting on THEIR body. In addition to not modeling this behavior, explicitly teach your children not to comment on other people's bodies. As mentioned above, preteen girls feel as though they are under a microscope, and the reality is that many of their peers do, in fact, comment on their bodies. This is not an unfounded neurosis. If all children are taught that we do not comment on other's bodies, then we can release the fear and anxiety. And beware of even positive observations and compliments - these can actually backfire. When someone hears a positive statement about their body, this teaches them "your body, as it is right now, is good." While we may think this can instill some confidence, preteen girls hear the message "your body cannot change. If it changes from it's current state, it will no longer be good." Again, the best thing you can do is just not comment on bodies at all. It's truly not necessary.
Focus on health, strength, and capabilities: Rather than size, shape, or weight, focus on the importance of bodies being healthy, strong, and capable. Provide your child with opportunities to feel proud of their bodies, not for what they look like, but for what they can do. Get them involved in a physical activity they enjoy and feel confident in. I once worked with a preteen client who was having significant struggles with her body image, and she said that the one and only place she felt good about herself was during her cross country practices and meets. She loved running, she felt confident in her running, she enjoyed the challenge of improving her running, and it was the one place she could feel proud of her body, and she found that her worries about how her body looked were absent during those times. Even if your child is not one to get involved in an organized activity, use any opportunity you can to highlight the amazing things their bodies can do, and the ways they are healthy and strong. Take note of how their body helped them climb all the way to the top of the jungle gym, or even simply how their body helps them move around and do whatever it is. that they enjoy doing. And, as with above, modeling this can go a long way. Get yourself involved in a physical activity that you enjoy so your children can see you enjoying your body's strength and capabilities. And whatever you do, DO NOT talk about physical activity or exercise as a means to lose weight, burn calories, compensate for overeating, or "earning" treats!
When poor body image issues go unchecked, they can develop into more significant mental health concerns, that would be indicative of a need for professional support. Poor body image can lead to what is called "body dysmorphia," when you fixate on a perceived flaw or problem with your body or physical appearance, that is oftentimes imagined (or significantly exaggerated in your mind). An example of this might be someone who is underweight being convinced they are overweight and going to great lengths to lose weight that they don't have. This can all then lead to disordered eating habits, or even an eating disorder. Below are some common signs of body dysmorphia and disordered eating to be on the lookout for:
An obsession with physical appearance, constantly thinking about or talking about a perceived flaw.
Either obsessively looking at oneself in the mirror and examining physical appearance, OR avoiding mirrors, pictures, or reflections of their image altogether.
Hiding one's body under baggy clothes, wearing long sleeves and long pants even in summer time.
Constantly comparing oneself to others with perceived "ideal" body types.
Excessive exercise, with a goal to burn calories or "burn off" food intake
Frequently weighing oneself
Obsessively counting calories or tracking food intake
Restricted food intake
Refusing to eat in front of other people
Excessive and rapid weight loss
Signs of abnormal weakness or fatigue
Becoming defensive or irritable when their eating habits are addressed
Signs of purging - going to the bathroom immediately after eating, particularly if a large amount of food is consumed, taking diuretics or laxatives.
*A note about body image and gender - while this post is focused on young females, please note that body image and disordered eating can impact youth of all gender identities and ages, and the behaviors that we can model and values we can instill regarding our bodies are something all youth can benefit from.
Thank you for reading! If you would like to learn more or are in need of support, don't hesitate to contact me.
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