I have noticed a common theme in my teenage clients' experiences in recent months. The majority of them are coming in with significant and pervasive feelings of low-self worth. Self-worth is defined as the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging. My clients report feeling like they can't do anything right, they are repeatedly failing to meet other's expectations, that they are a constant disappointment, they don't belong anywhere, and nobody truly cares about them.
According to world-renowned social scientist Brene Brown, "A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we are meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick."
Love and belonging is the third step on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, third only to feeling safe, secure, and having basic needs met. According to this theory, it is impossible to develop self-worth and self-esteem, and to reach our fullest potential, without first having a sense of love and belonging. Low-self worth and failing to feel like one belongs or is worthy of love is a barrier to self-actualization and will stifle growth and development.
It is no wonder, then, that many of my clients who struggle with feelings of low-self worth have a diagnosis of depression, or show many depressive symptoms. People with low self-worth will often feel lonely, isolated and hopeless, hallmark symptoms of depression.
In a capitalist society that values popularity, productivity, and status, it can be easy for someone to start to feel like they are not meeting standards and are not worthy. In our post-COVID world of increased isolation, many have lost connections to people or communities that once provided them with a sense of belonging. And if you throw in the constant scrutiny that teenagers feel they are under, and the heightened pressures from peers to conform and "fit in," developing feelings of worthiness can be incredibly difficult.
So how do we foster feelings of worthiness, both in ourselves and in others?
Seek community and connections. If you are feeling a lack of belonging, do the work to intentionally find people or a community you can connect with. In today's digital world, finding "your people" can be easier than ever, whether with additional resources to find local connections, or even finding community online. Many people have a great sense of belonging and worth via their virtual communities, and can be a great option if you are struggling to build connections in person. If you can't find a community that suits you or your needs, start one! There are likely many people like you seeking community, and arranging local meet-ups or setting up an online community can draw out these like-minded folks all looking to belong somewhere.
Adopt a growth mindset. Many feelings of low self-worth can be tied back to having a fixed mindset, which is when you believe that your traits are fixed and unchangeable, and mistakes or failures are a reflection of who you are as a person. Alternatively, adopting a growth mindset means you believe you are always capable of growth, change, and development, and that mistakes and failures are learning opportunities to help you work towards your goals and becoming the person you want to be. When you adopt a growth mindset, you are more likely to feel hope that you can get where you want to go in life, and are less likely to develop feelings of despair, or to give up.
Find internal sources of self-worth. Self-worth is oftentimes tied up in our perception of how others feel about us. When we can turn our self-worth inward, and be the ones deciding our own self-worth, we are more in control of how we feel. Getting to know your values and who you are as a person, and finding ways to live out those values and reach personal goals can help us feel a sense of worthiness regardless of how others view us.
Parents of teens - As parents, you have immense power to help support a positive sense of worthiness and belonging in your children. Many of the clients I see who struggle with self-worth are in constant fear of disappointing their parents, or feeling like they are not capable of meeting their expectations. Many parents set well-intentioned goals and aspirations for their children, often with the sentiment of "wanting the best for them." While this is all fine and good, it can backfire and end up making your child feel like meeting your expectations or not will determine their sense of worthiness. To combat this, have conversations with your child about how you feel about them, and provide positive affirmations that have nothing to do with the goals you have set for them (such as grades, sports achievements, etc.) Make sure they know that you love them unconditionally. Set mutually agreed upon goals for your child that they are bought into, and feel are attainable. If they do not meet expectations or reach goals that have been set, model a growth mindset and make sure they know it's not a reflection on who they are or how you feel about them, and support them in learning from those mistakes. And make sure you are always fostering a strong sense of belonging with you and within your family. When your child hits their teenage years, it is normal for there to be some separation between child and parent, both from a developmental standpoint, and a logistical one. Everyone gets busy and can feel like they are "ships in the night." This can create the unintended consequence of teens feeling like they no longer "belong" or are "worthy" members of their families. Set aside time to connect with your teen, both one and one, and within the greater family. Even if they moan and groan about "family time" outwardly, know that inwardly they are receiving the message that there is unconditional and ever-present love and belonging in their family.
As mentioned above, when low self-worth goes unchecked and becomes pervasive, it can lead to serious mental health concerns such as depression. Here are some warning signs that may indicate the development of depression:
Persistent feelings of sadness
A feeling of being "numb" or without any feeling
Withdrawal from people and activities
Lack of ability to feel enjoyment or pleasure, particularly in regards to previously enjoyed activities
Feeling hopeless
Irritability or mood swings
Difficulty focusing or concentrating
Changes in eating and/or sleeping (either too much, or not enough)
Left untreated, depression can become severe and lead to thoughts of suicide. If you or a loved one are experiencing depressive symptoms, they need professional assistance. Reach out to local resources to find therapy support as soon as possible. If thoughts of suicide are present, seek help immediately by going to the nearest emergency room, or call 988 at anytime to be connected to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Thank you for reading. If you'd like to learn more about the link between self-worth and depression, or are seeking therapy for yourself or your child, please don't hesitate to contact me.
Comments